Apathy
lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern
At the beginning of each year, my family and I begin it by asking the Lord for a word. A word for direction. A word that we have to develop in our own lives and/or extend to others. This word is the concrete we'd set our feet on [a moral compass] throughout the year as we pray, as we study the word, and as we extend grace to the people around us. As you can see above, I literally loathe my word. What a word! Apathy! Knowing how my personality works and knowing I needed a positive word to ground myself in, and maybe in just a little bit of avoidance and denial, I went back to the Lord asking for the antonym of this nasty little word, and He obliged.
I found my antonym in Havilah Cunnington's book, "The Good Stuff". The word leapt off the page and shot itself straight into my heart. Day four is entitled "Hunger Cries" (isn't that so fitting!!!) and my new word came to me in the Greek, which can hardly pronounce.
Here is the excerpt: akaloutheo, which means "to follow after someone or something in a very determined and powerful manner." (pg. 23)
I definitely lacked everything this statement held, and I mourned my former vim and vigor. I had completely lost it, but not permanently (Praise Jesus). I had spent the last five years moving more than I'd like to recount, all the while undergoing three surgeries, a remission treatment for my colitis, and suffering a major concussion from being rear ended. I fought the good fight with ferocity for quite some time. After my treatment and first surgery, I pulled myself together and started running and biking again. After my second surgery (not even a year later), I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and trained and competed in a sprint triathlon. My third surgery (less than 2 years later) left me having to relearn how to walk, and balance, and climb, which progression was completely halted when we were rear ended. To be honest I was already falling down the slippery slope of apathy after my second surgery, but this pried my fingers off and sent me hurtling into the apathy abyss. Everything was too hard. It felt impossible. I had developed an inner dialog that sounded like this: "It's too hard. I'm in too much pain. What does it matter any way?" Everything in my life began to filter through this thinking process, and I lost myself more and more everyday --and I didn't care.
To make matters worse, we started having trouble with one of our sons. There really is nothing more earth shattering, heartbreaking, and downright devastating than watching your child fall down. I fell completely apart at the seams -I was thoroughly undone. Apathy was my constant companion. I confess that I don't know if I'm fully recovered despite our son being fully restored. My heart is sore and my soul is bruised. This rocked my faith. I feel afraid to declare God's promises for my children with the same fiery, rock solid belief and trust I once did.To stand in the face of adversity and declare, "Satan get behind me, not my children!" I felt like a hypocrite, a laughing stock, and a few people [the few who makes it feel like millions] took quite a bit of pleasure in watching our lives fall to pieces. "Where is their God now?" they would sneer. And in my heart of hearts, I knew He was with me, He was working all things out for our good, He was on the battlefield for our lives, and I knew He was still good and still God; however, I couldn't help to echo their insult, "Where are you God?"
A couple of weeks ago, a friend contacted me and asked me if I'd like to attend an IF: Gathering. I reminded her that I no longer lived in Denver and would not be able to attend her women's thingy-ma-bob. Long story short, I thought IF was a neighborhood ministry she had started and had no idea it extended all over the word! I had prayed for her IF for at least a solid year, but was never able to attend because our church planting obligations left me with little time to do so. I signed up after several hours (...cough...days....) of hovering my cursor over the 'complete transaction" button. This was a ginormous step of faith and bravery and courage and might and so on... I know none of the people attending. I've never been to either church that was hosting the IF, nor was I apart of either denomination. I silently prayed it wouldn't be a round table like setting, and sure enough it was! Lol! I couldn't hide. I couldn't come in unnoticed and I couldn't leave the same way. Isn't that so indicative of the Father's Love!
Here is the excerpt: akaloutheo, which means "to follow after someone or something in a very determined and powerful manner." (pg. 23)
I definitely lacked everything this statement held, and I mourned my former vim and vigor. I had completely lost it, but not permanently (Praise Jesus). I had spent the last five years moving more than I'd like to recount, all the while undergoing three surgeries, a remission treatment for my colitis, and suffering a major concussion from being rear ended. I fought the good fight with ferocity for quite some time. After my treatment and first surgery, I pulled myself together and started running and biking again. After my second surgery (not even a year later), I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and trained and competed in a sprint triathlon. My third surgery (less than 2 years later) left me having to relearn how to walk, and balance, and climb, which progression was completely halted when we were rear ended. To be honest I was already falling down the slippery slope of apathy after my second surgery, but this pried my fingers off and sent me hurtling into the apathy abyss. Everything was too hard. It felt impossible. I had developed an inner dialog that sounded like this: "It's too hard. I'm in too much pain. What does it matter any way?" Everything in my life began to filter through this thinking process, and I lost myself more and more everyday --and I didn't care.
To make matters worse, we started having trouble with one of our sons. There really is nothing more earth shattering, heartbreaking, and downright devastating than watching your child fall down. I fell completely apart at the seams -I was thoroughly undone. Apathy was my constant companion. I confess that I don't know if I'm fully recovered despite our son being fully restored. My heart is sore and my soul is bruised. This rocked my faith. I feel afraid to declare God's promises for my children with the same fiery, rock solid belief and trust I once did.To stand in the face of adversity and declare, "Satan get behind me, not my children!" I felt like a hypocrite, a laughing stock, and a few people [the few who makes it feel like millions] took quite a bit of pleasure in watching our lives fall to pieces. "Where is their God now?" they would sneer. And in my heart of hearts, I knew He was with me, He was working all things out for our good, He was on the battlefield for our lives, and I knew He was still good and still God; however, I couldn't help to echo their insult, "Where are you God?"
A couple of weeks ago, a friend contacted me and asked me if I'd like to attend an IF: Gathering. I reminded her that I no longer lived in Denver and would not be able to attend her women's thingy-ma-bob. Long story short, I thought IF was a neighborhood ministry she had started and had no idea it extended all over the word! I had prayed for her IF for at least a solid year, but was never able to attend because our church planting obligations left me with little time to do so. I signed up after several hours (...cough...days....) of hovering my cursor over the 'complete transaction" button. This was a ginormous step of faith and bravery and courage and might and so on... I know none of the people attending. I've never been to either church that was hosting the IF, nor was I apart of either denomination. I silently prayed it wouldn't be a round table like setting, and sure enough it was! Lol! I couldn't hide. I couldn't come in unnoticed and I couldn't leave the same way. Isn't that so indicative of the Father's Love!
The first night I was a jerk, on the inside, but nevertheless a jerk. I hated everything and thought it was a complete waste of time, and tried to hide it behind a tight smile. You must know, the women I was seated with were nothing short of wonderful, kind, and accepting of this totally stranger. It wasn't them, it was me. The teaching was soul deep and I had almost filled up my entire journal. It wasn't the teachers, it was me. The worship brought me to my knees and the very presence of God was so thick. It wasn't the worship, it was me. I couldn't shake whatever had a hold of me. On my way home, hopelessness wrapped its arms around me and I felt broken. Why Lord? I stepped out!? I did what you said!? Why? His gentle reply, "You meant what you said in your last text. It wasn't a joke to you."
The last text I sent was to my bestie who wished me an amazing night, and was praying for the beginning of new, beautiful relationships. I replied, "I will make friends with no one to honor your name!" Wow! Okay! I have a problem people! Lol! I really did mean it and was literally living it out all night long. Not because I don't want new relationships (I very much do), but because I am afraid. I have these women in my life that are truly gifts from God that I love all the way to Pluto and back again! It reminded me of when I was prego with my 2nd child and I bawled my eyes out completely terrified that I couldn't possibly have anymore love left to give. I love our first child SO much, I couldn't fathom how it was possible to have room for anyone else. Could I properly love new friends? Would loving new friends dishonor my homegirls? My heart was conflicted. God revealed to me that my loyalty gifting can harm me and my relationships when left unchecked. I already know this in terms of servant hood; I'll work myself to the bones for those we love. John and I have both worked on this for almost 5 whole years. However, I never considered I wasn't allowing space for new relationships because my loyalties felt both full and secure.
The last text I sent was to my bestie who wished me an amazing night, and was praying for the beginning of new, beautiful relationships. I replied, "I will make friends with no one to honor your name!" Wow! Okay! I have a problem people! Lol! I really did mean it and was literally living it out all night long. Not because I don't want new relationships (I very much do), but because I am afraid. I have these women in my life that are truly gifts from God that I love all the way to Pluto and back again! It reminded me of when I was prego with my 2nd child and I bawled my eyes out completely terrified that I couldn't possibly have anymore love left to give. I love our first child SO much, I couldn't fathom how it was possible to have room for anyone else. Could I properly love new friends? Would loving new friends dishonor my homegirls? My heart was conflicted. God revealed to me that my loyalty gifting can harm me and my relationships when left unchecked. I already know this in terms of servant hood; I'll work myself to the bones for those we love. John and I have both worked on this for almost 5 whole years. However, I never considered I wasn't allowing space for new relationships because my loyalties felt both full and secure.
I repented and asked God to change my heart and to give me a do-over. And boy did He; day 2 knocked my socks off. Similar to the Grinch, I felt my heart grow 6 times bigger (the number of girls at my table) that day. I got to hear God boast about them, and I delighted in knowing them. These girls I pray for often and think about how beautiful each of their stories are. I can hardly contain the joy of seeing and hearing about how God will use them. And let me just say, the teaching was ON POINT!! I highly encourage you dear reader to find an IF Gathering near you, to be courageous, and to attend one.
I've learned, once again, that love has no end. You cannot measure it. You cannot run out of it. It is limitless and boundless, and uncontainable. Love has no end. And when I feel like I'm at then end of my capacity of love, God will increase my borders. Just like the love for my children, my love can be limitless for each person the Lord graces my life with.
I've also started telling myself, "Do hard things!" This is not typically something people say to themselves ever, especially in this day of make-everything-as-easy-as-possible and everybody-gets-a-trophy. When I hear my broken record answer, "It's too hard," I remind myself that I do hard things! When I receive my speed dialed response, "I don't want to." I add to the end, "....but I do hard things now!" I will climb the mountain! I will meet new people [with JOY]! I will be myself! I will laugh loud and hard! I will join a bible study, start a new job, go to IF, etc.... It is impossible to build new relationships without being around other humans. And I've had to learn to go back to the basics of what my dad taught me, " People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." This is the hard thing.
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