Suicide and Sadness

Last night as John and I were getting ready for bed, we received an email from our wrestling club informing us that a middle school wrestler committed suicide. Even though we are so new to Bend, our new home town, we sobbed for this family. John and I were consumed with grief, as we knew firsthand the earth shattering devastation that losing a child held ---we watched both of our mothers bury a son and John and I lost our first baby. We grabbed onto one another and did the only thing we knew how to; we prayed. I prayed for his momma's heart; how unimaginable. John prayed for his father; how devastating. We prayed for his siblings, and the family, and the friends, and the school, and the club.Then we prayed for us, our own children. We prayed that fear wouldn't consume us as parents and that we could use this tragedy to start a conversation with our children about their worth and, most importantly, about hope.

I'm not sure what the catalyst is which causes a person to actually commit suicide, but I definitely understand the possibility. My childhood history of victimization, my own indiscretions, the impact of  losing a baby, my brother, John's brother, and battling health issues for a long as I can remember has caused to me face some pretty dark-dark days. Where the cry of my heart became more ominous than, "Jesus come now! Come take me home!"

The problem solver born in me cries out for answers. Why? How does this happen? Who is immune?Where is the hope for the hopeless? How can we identify when someone is suicidal and how can we stop them? What can we do to stop this from happening? I don't know what the answers are, but I can look at my own dark days and pull out the things that spurred me back towards life.

Willpower

"the faculty by which a person decides on and initiates action"

Our willpower is so strong.  In the christian world, the conversation on will can be convoluted and downright confusing. We are called to surrender our will to God, which makes it feel like our will is a bad thing. We also know that we are inherently sinful, which furthers the belief that our will is not a good or Godly thing. Here's what God is showing me: we are absolutely called to surrender our will to God; however that doesn't mean our will is bad. It simply means that everywhere we go, and everything we do, say, and think we try to do it like Christ [hope and love being our mode of operation]. News flash: It takes a very strong will to do this! People and life can inflict an unrelenting brutality and unkindness that shakes us into isolation and bitterness. If it weren't for my steadfast, single-minded will, I would have lost my faith a long-long time ago. I would have never stayed in this faith fight nor developed a ruthless trust in the Lord without it. My dedicated will got me here. My will to choose Him over and over and over and over... That same will to die can be converted, and with as much determination, to the will to live.  The same willpower what propels us towards suicide can launch us towards life.

Hope 

to trust in, wait for, look for, or desire something or someone; 

or to expect something beneficial in the future

Hope is the first thing that eludes us when we are at our darkest moments. Like that of a sweet toddler so desperate to capture a fluttering, colorful butterfly, but is too small, to slow, and too clumsy to actually get it into their tiny chubby hands. They want it so badly but it eludes them, and, it seems at times, tauntingly so.  How do the hopeless find hope? I can tell you that when I am in that space where hope feels absent, I worship. It sounds counter intuitive to get up and belt out my most favorites songs, but it sets straight the crooked pathways in my brain. I can see through the fog of hopelessness, it shakes me free from the darkness and the thoughts that reside there, and I remember why life is worth living. Worshiping is the ornate door that when opened up shines its light into every dark place. It is joy. It is confession. It is truth. Worship's very nature sparks the flame of hope and  grants freedom in its wake. And if you do not know the Lord, find a church or hook up with a christian friend (we all have that one friend). I cannot promise life will be easier but I can promise hope will abound in you.

Talk

speak in order to give information or express ideas or feelings; 

converse or communicate by spoken words

I find that the biggest lie I start to believe when I'm hanging myself on the spider-webbed noose of the darkness, is that I am the only one. I'm the only one that feels this way or struggles with this or has these thoughts. I am the only one, and could never tell anyone the secret thoughts that roll through the the darkest parts of my mind. That I will be deemed crazy, psycho, or scare the people I love halfway to death. However I have found that when I finally conjured up the bravery to talk about my dark days or reach out to someone, they say these two words, "me too." Through all the years that I have mentored women, moms, and teens, I've found myself saying to them, "me too." I am not alone and neither are you. Although we all have different experiences and backgrounds, we all have the "Human Condition". We all experience hurts and heartaches and the storms of life. We all have, on some level, struggled with depression, hopelessness, and sadness. Most times I find that when I say aloud the thoughts that are plaguing me, they completely and absolutely lose their power over me. Surround yourself with trusted, non-gossiping mentors, friends, and family members that you can be real with, thoroughly and unconditionally transparent. And if that is not enough, get professional help.

Our lives are full of instances and situations that bring both happiness and hopelessness. Life will always deliver a blow here and there, and cause us to lose hope. We will struggle financially. We will have relational battles. We will have all kind of issues arise in our career life. Such is life! The goal is train our minds to focus on the joys we've experienced, to discipline our thought lives, and to extend grace to ourselves in all situations. In a world so easily offended and so quick to grab their torches and pitchforks, encouragement, gratitude, and kindness have become endangered species. It is time we make these things commonplace in our lives again. To get fired up about encouraging instead of being defensive; To hotly pursue showing gratitude in lieu of pointing out our flaws and differences; to actively research how to show kindness and lay down our desires to be right. These things pull the greatness out of people, they have the propensity to spread hope like a wildfire, and causes light to shine in the darkest of places.

Be someone who brings light to a world
so desperate for it.