In the past, when we've moved, we were able to maintain the stability of our church family, and we have always stayed in the same school district. Except when we moved from Oregon to Colorado; however, we had both family and a church family. We don't have that here in beautiful Bend. We have no church family nor does anyone in our schools know us [my children]. We are completely out-of-sorts. Our hearts are mourning being known and we've had hundreds of jabbing incidents that causes our souls to cry out, "no one knows me!"
Little jabs:
Joey was put in with the novice wrestlers because they didn't know he was a two-time state placer. After completely annihilating the newbies, he was moved. In reality, this isn't a game changer; however, I see my Joey trying to prove himself because they don't know who he is. It builds character, I know.I was having a conversation with one of the boys' teacher about an assignment they forgot to give him (while he was out sick) which caused a late turn in. When she replied, "It's not a big deal that he didn't get it in on time." Well, you don't know my child if you feel like it isn't a big deal. Not life altering, I know, but unpleasant when set in the context of this child being in the same school since preschool. It's upsetting that no one knows or values his work ethic. Yet!
When I've introduced myself to people, I've had several parents say, " Oh! You're the mom from Colorado who has the triplets who wrestle!" No, no I'm not! I am the mom from Colorado who has three different aged boys who wrestle. Not a big deal, but just a reminder that we as a family are no longer known in our community, in the wrestling world, or the schools.
Big jabs:
We've went to church several times and not one person talked to us. I realize that it takes time to build relationships, but we have spent almost 20 years serving in the church, and it's a bit disconcerting when no one knows or recognizes you. And when we've reached out to ministry leaders, we've been given 'beginner' jobs. I can get over my pride, I've cleaned toilets proverbially and literally throughout my entire church life; however, I was always recognized as a leader and/or a staff member. And honestly, if we still lived in Colorado and people knew we were looking for a new church, our phones would be ringing off the hook. The Lord has brought us a long way and has trained us up for years; it's hard to swallow falling all the way down the ladder and starting again on rung number one. Don't we all long to be where everybody knows our name, and they are always glad we came?We don't have a squad, a crew, a team, a posse, homies. Being 100% extrovert, this feels like a cold day in hell. I love people, adore them really. I love how different we are and also cherish the moments when I can say, "me too". I've had several instances where people walked away saying, "Thanks for being so transparent." What does that mean? Does that mean you weren't being transparent? I don't know how to be pleasant for pleasant's sake. I only know real and honest. I sometimes feel like the three step studies I've participated in have ruined me for niceties. It taught me to be me all of the time. Real. Honest. I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
I really don't feel viable if I'm not communing with people, and I'm talking about a lot of people. My dominant personality strengths would warrant nothing less and are as followed: Communication: I treasure talking and I am a devoted, active listener. Learning about people makes my life so much richer. Restoration: Who has bigger problems than humans? I love to be apart of and support people as they rebuild their lives; watching dry bones and dead places come to life. WOO (Winning Others Over): I cherish meeting new people. My passion is meeting every person in the room, and not simply staying with my friend group the whole night. I literally cannot concentrate on a conversation when I see someone new walk by. I need people!
The Knockout Blow:
The jobs I've applied for have left me feeling sad, rejected, and confused. I've had several tell me that they felt like they just spent the afternoon with their best friend. Great! So, I got the job? Nope. I didn't. I've had a handful tell me that I was way too over qualified for the position. Great! So you want to hire me to utilize my skill set and experience. Nope, they passed. The most painful, I was told that I was not qualified for a job at an organization where I had utilized my qualified skill set for 18 years. I felt like calling the guy who passed on me because I was overqualified, and ask him to have a conversation with the people who thought I was not qualified. It took everything in me to not to write a formal letter outlining my skill set, experience, and start name dropping. I choose the high road and said, "Thank you for your time."As I write and read this, I'm struck with the revelation that this is a pride issue. I can call it one hundred different things, and write it off as this or that; however, the truth remains, my pride is taking a blow and is acting like an immature toddler. I have become a nobody standing in a sea of somebodies. My self-worth has hit rock bottom which exacerbated the unquenchable itch of insecurity. The Lord whispered to my heart, "Sweet girl, when will you trust the work that I did on the cross was enough to redeem you?" There it is my friends. If I'm not 'working' for the Lord, I cannot redeem, change, pay-off all the things I have done. And truthfully, if I cannot share my testimony, how will I help others?
Unknown
not known; not within the range of one's knowledge,
experience, or understanding; strange; unfamiliar.
As I mourned this last rejection, the Lord said to me, "You are not unknown to me; I know you." And He continued to speak this over me every time I thought about my situation and grieved my former life. Why wasn't that enough? The creator of the heavens and the earth, the author of life, and the savior of the world knows me. He knew me before I was placed into my mother's womb, and He watched me grow, knowing who I would become. I was not an accident; He brought me forth with purpose for such a time as this. Why didn't this comfort me? I knew right there that I needed to submit my heart for a sifting. As I sat in my prayer room confessing my error and asking the Lord to change my heart, I felt something shift. My perspective changed. He is my greatest friend and ally, and instead of whining, moaning, and complaining, I would use this time to deepen and make richer my knowing of the Lord. I set out to know Him like He knows me. Isn't that what makes close, long lasting friendships? When He speaks over me, "I know you." I now reply, "And that is enough." I can say this with confidence because I know the harvest is coming. I've 'sowed' for many long years and the yield (the full amount) will not be denied to me simply because I've moved to a new farm. It is not happenstance or accident that we've moved to a new land; it is full of God purpose, heavenly promises, and miracles. I think of Mary and what is written about her response to the responsibility of birthing a savior, "she treasured all these things in her heart and thought about them often." Luke 2:19
So I went back to the beginning, to remember our story. In the Fall of 2014, John suggested that we move back to Oregon. With a few colorful words, that I will leave out, I said, "NO!" Despite my distaste, he continued to investigate a transfer, until we moved, yet again, and settled into a beautiful home were we had the option to buy. I was over the moon, and John relented to maintain harmony in our home. This home and it's owners quickly became an absolute hair-pulling, stressful nightmare. To honor them, I will not divulge. John and I were looking down the barrel of another move. My spiritual mentor called me one day with a prophetic word that consisted of an out-of-state move, towards the west, and the town she described was a dead ringer for Bend. I was pumped, and thought, 'praise God for direction and answers.' A few weeks later, I had a dream that I was one of the three wise men following the star that was hanging in the west. And to my amazement, the Bethlehem Star appears in the western sky (the direction I had to look) for the 1st time in 2,000 years! Did I really need more convincing? Of course I did, my rebellion runs deep my friends. My truth is that I didn't want to move out-of-state. I wanted to buy my forever (whatever forever means for a nomad) home. So I ignored all of this and we started looking for a new home. We had to back out of a contract near our home, because of the inspection. So we regrouped and thought the Lord wanted us to move closer to our church family. We lost two rentals and had to back out of another contract because of the inspection. It was a Saturday morning and we were meeting our agent to restart our search. We just started praying! We were sick of losing money and we were running out of time. We both asked the Lord to give us the name of the city he wanted us to move to, and boy did He. On the count of three and at the same time, we both said Bend. I was perplexed. I was hoping for Broomfield or Lafayette; I was not expecting Bend. So I said, "Talk to your boss and I'll look at some homes; however, we will still try to find a house here and see where it takes us." Forever the finder of loopholes, I am. So I pray, before we get the house were supposed to look at, "Give us a burning bush Lord!" I kid you not, we get to the house and the realtor sign in the front yard has 666 as the first 3-digits after the area code! What! Seriously, who has that for a phone number! I was like, "this is the devil's house, let's go!" Lol! Needless to say, because you all know we moved, in less than one week John's job transferred him and we had a home in Bend. In less than 2 weeks, we loaded up the moving truck and headed west, following God's direction, and praying for an abundance of miracles. Right before we moved, I felt led to read my journal entry of when I talked with my spiritual mentor, and opened to this line, "It will take you about a year to be okay with moving." It did, almost one full year later, we moved. If this isn't proof of God knowing me, I don't know what is.
It was a whirlwind of God-big circumstances that led us west. Where I refrained from attaching promises and confirmation too. I didn't want to give the devil a single foothold in this new adventure and I wanted to unconditionally show my trust in the Lord. I trust Him with all my heart, my soul, and my mind. The only word I clung to from Him was, "this move is detrimental for your boys." Enough said! I didn't ask Him to explain, nor beg for a Word, nor plead with Him to bring a drove of friends on the wings of confirmation. I believe him. I wholeheartedly trust him. I'll move a thousand times over for the detriment of my children. I will smile in the face of being unknown, knowing the One who knows me is working all things for the good of my children. I will laugh in the face of rejection, knowing that the One who accepts me, is moving mountains of the behalf of my boys' welfare. And I will joyfully start back at the very beginning, knowing that the One who calls me friend, is making a faith-filled, promise-filled, God-Huge future for my boys. That is enough! He is enough! And I will patiently wait till the Lord fills my Bend storehouses with people to love, mentor, and cherish. A people I can be 100% me with, and walk through this life with; come valleys or mountain tops. Until then, I will 'treasure up all these things in my heart and think about them often.'
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| May they never lose their wonder |
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