If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Isn't is such a strange phenomenon that when we are standing in a moment, we struggle to appreciate where we are at? We hope, dream, and strive for something greater than where we find ourselves. Our circumstances seem bleak or unrelenting or not in our favor, and we think of nothing else than getting far away from our current situation. Do you too find it odd that when you look back on certain times in your life you do so with fond memories and heartfelt wonderings sometimes wishing you could go back; all the while, completely forgetting the parts that were both difficult and unfulfilling? We humans are the strangest! Now, I will say that I believe some of those things I listed above are necessary for growth and progress; however, they can steal the joy and lessons in the journey.

If you haven't heard it a millions times already, I'm going for the millionth and one time: John and I have served in several capacities within the church for almost 20yrs, and Lord do I wish we knew then what we know now. We surely wouldn't have wasted so much time and energy on feelings and opinions. It definitely would have made our flashbacks to better times so much -more- sweeter.

I would have had a coke and smile more often. Speaking plainly, I would have kept my big-know-it-all mouth shut more often than not, because I did not then nor do I now know it all. I spoke so often out of my insecurities and lack of self worth that I completely forgot to listen to and honor those in authority over me. Let's just take a minute to expose the other elephant in the room, my pride. I honestly thought I knew better than those around me. I've surely seen life done wrong, so my pride led me to a place where I thought I knew how to get it right. Aside from that, I wanted so badly to change the world. I didn't want people to experience the hurts that I had, I didn't want people to suffer. But at the root of it all, I wanted to redeem every shameful and wretched thing I had done through acts of service, and Lord knows that's why I never shut up! Haha!  There's trenches of shame and regrets in my past; however, there is nothing I can do in my power to fix those things so I spent many years of my ministry life completely exhausted. I strived almost to the point of death to remain in the perfect will of God. I neglected my family, my friendships, and my own health in pursuit of, what felt like, His illusive presence in my life. I royally screwed up the first part of my life and with wild desperation I chased after everything that lead me away from who I once was. Operating in this way only lead to a newly dug trench that was filled with failures and loneliness. I wasn't good at anything I was doing, because I had over committed myself in a hundred different areas of my life. My relationships were struggling because my over commitments left me void of any time to actually do  life with other people.

1. Listen! There is an immeasurable amount of honor, compassion, and empathy in the simple act of listening. Let's just lay it on the table, we humans are multi-talented, highly skilled, every evolving --pursuing bigger, better, stronger. It is really hard to actively listen when our brains are moving a thousand miles a minute; problem solving, fact checking, discerning, reasoning, deciphering, etc.. Our minds really are brilliant! However, greater is the intelligence of the person who can listen, digest, and think before responding.

2. Honor Authority!  We have a strange phenomenon in the church where we treat the pastor as if his authority and direction is an optional thing to follow; all dependent on whether we agree with him/her or not. You know, if he says, "this is how I want things done from now on" or "I'm changing this process" or "I'm going to hire/fire this person." More often than not, his people form a rebellion against the him. In the real world this would be called and disciplined as insubordination. I would loose my job in a hot second if I told my boss that I wouldn't back her decision nor participate in the new directive because I disagreed with her; and to add insult to injury I would find as many people as I could who agreed with my better, more efficient way, then proceeded to rub her face in it until she  relented. Good Lord! I would be jobless and unhireable! My actions would speak loudly as to what I really wanted to accomplish in my workplace: division, disunity, and dissension. I don't have to wondering for even a second how this statistic can be true: 71% of pastors stated they were burned out, and they battle depression beyond fatigue on a weekly and even a daily basis. Our truest assignment is to be an armor bearer for our pastors not the weapon formed against them. The pastor is the warrior God has chosen to lead, and we are the people He has called to attend to him. We are to carry the shield and the battle gear. Our very presence should encourage our pastor, it should foster peace and strength simultaneously. Know your role!

3. Wake Up! I've noticed that we are nurturing a spirit of exhaustion in the church. Regardless the location, the denomination, or the size of the church, the staff, leaders, and volunteers are just wiped out.  My response almost 100% of the time would be, "I'm just exhausted," and then would think, 'why did I say that? I'm not tired at all.' Have we made serving the Lord something that yields overwhelm or exhaustion? Does the most exhausted person win the working-for-Jesus competition? Is fatigue the spiritual result of serving the Lord? I declare with faith, NO!! It is not!! I acknowledged that the business of ministering to people and facilitating lives being changed is not only physically and emotionally demanding but it also lands us on the supernatural playing field. Our battle is truly in the spiritual realm which requires supernatural power that comes only from steadfastly seeking and surrendering to the power of Jesus. Shaking the planet is tough work. What can we do?

• Pray! Renew your mind! 
• You may have some kind of medical condition that you've allowed to spin out of control. Get medical help immediately. God has used many doctors to help heal me and, in the process, revealed Himself to them and to me. The Lord knits us together in such a way that our faith encourages or lights the faith in others. If you haven't been healed through prayer then go to the dang doctor today!
• Stop trying to redeem your mistakes through acts of service. Believe me, you are going to run yourself into the ground trying to do so, which will only result in anger and bitterness towards a ministry or the church. You cannot redeem your transgressions nor can you "make up" for time lost and ill spent. We can only really do maybe three things at a time well. If you are spread thin, then you will accomplish nothing but failure on all sides. Return to the magic of doing one thing at a time. 

4. Rest! Rest in the fact that the Lord is for you, He is not against you. He is a good Father. He is Redeemer and Restorer. He is Mercy and Love. His plans for you are good! He leads you and guides you. He will never leave you. He will never disown you. He is not a trickster, spiteful, or cruel. He only asks us to come. Come to Him. We have nothing we can offer Him nor is there anything we can bring to the table that better aligns us with His will. His will remains whether we are for Him or against Him. When we are pouting, His will is unaffected. When we are rebellious, His will goes before us. There is nothing we can do to separate ourselves from the love of God, nothing. Sampson's life is a vivid example of that. Sampson defiantly disobeyed everything the Lord asked Him to do; he wasted his life trying to dishonor the will of God, but it did him no good. God's purpose for Sampson's life was still accomplished. This should encourage you! Walking with the Lord in faith, trust, and obedience is for us! It teaches us how to love and how to forgive. It teaches us to hope and to bring hope. It is our joy that remains despite the severity of the storm. Did you know that when Jesus said we should be like little children it had less to do with their faith system, but had everything to do with the fact that children have nothing to offer --they don't have any degrees or any life experiences that call them qualified. We are to let our striving cease and simply come. We cannot add to nor take away from the will of God. We cannot alter His will for our lives no matter what we do. Just come with faith and trust and a heart willing to listen and obey. 

5. Love People! It is the only real "job" the Lord as given to us. Love the lovable, but really really love the unlovable. This does not mean you need to forgo every healthy boundary you have in your life nor does it mean that you become best friends with everyone. It simply means that we approach every person and situation with kindness, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness on our lips, in our hearts, and as the captivators of our thoughts. I spent many year running from ministering to difficult people, because I was sure that my dislike of them equated that it wasn't God's will that I should. Ha! Subconsciously and sometimes purposely, I'd avoid someone because I didn't want my efforts to end in failure. Gah!  My pride, insecurities, lack of self worth, and fear of failure chose the sure bet over and over again. I'm not talking about wisdom or discernment. I clearly know the people that the Lord wants me to avoid in order to protect myself, my faith, and my sin life. Who I'm talking about is "that person" who gets on your last nerve. You know,  like you'd rather be getting a root canal than spend a single moment with them. Yep, "that person"! Annoyance does not negate our call to love and to minister and to mentor. And I hope this shifts your perspective and allows you to extend more grace to the hard people in your life; to someone you are "that person"!

6. Be Courageous! One of the hardest things John and I have had to deal with is not being known. Our new church does not know us. They do not know the hundreds of hours our pastors and mentors have spent building us into the people we are today. As much as it hurts to admit aloud but is naturally true, they don't trust us, because they don't know us. This has poked some holes in our identity. Who are we to the church and what is our role? Here's what we have leaned in these past eleven months: our call to love people and to make disciples is the same no matter where we are, regardless the church we go to, and despite our job title.  I cannot say it has been easy to welcome people, help get people plugged in, and mentor people with the same ease as we did when we actually had a title; nonetheless, it is and always will be our heavenly job tile. Listen, your responsibility to help fold people into the community of God is no different than the guy/gal who preaches from the stage.  

Pokémon GO Pros and Cons

I shall start with the Cons; however, I will not list a single one. Why? Because haven't you heard enough of them? It seems like every time I turn on the TV or get on the internet, there is some kind of negative comment or report about this little app. I will not add anything to the already exhaustive list.

Now to the best part: Pros! I seriously love this app, and it may surprise you as to why I do. Surprise? Yes! I know nothing about Pokemon. I don't know the characters' names. I have no clue what the object of the game is. I don't know what gyms are nor what I'm supposed to do when I come to one. What the heck is a Poke Stop and how does it work? How do you throw the balls? I'm literally clueless.

So why like it? I love that I see this app bringing a multitude of generations together. The boys and I have been helped and/or helped people from 90 to 5 years old. I see families standing close and talking to each other. I sometimes pretend I don't know what's going on so that I can see the the heads of the people I love most come into a tight circle, hovering over a phone, and teaching me how to play! I love that! I love when people stop the hectic, the serious, the mundane and learn how to play again. I love when we are out somewhere and we get to have conversations with people we would've never had a chance to talk to. I love seeing old and young, poor and rich, goth and prep, jock and nerd crossing their barriers to have a conversation with one another. Who would've thunk it! It is a beautiful thing to see people of all races, classes, and ages shedding the confines of their social expectations and engaging with one another. Pokemon Go has created this phenomenon. It has created a space where class, race, sex, and age does not matter. It has closed a gap in our communities and cities.

So there you have it! I play because I love the conversations it has created. I love the places we have gone in our city that we have never been to before. I love the new friends we have made. I mostly love that I get to fully engage with my kids, completely unplugged from adulting, and play with my kids again. I missed getting to play with them, I missed the innocence of it, I missed it being a joy to take them places. Lol! Can you tell I have teens in my home!?! Thanks Pokemon Go for teaching me how to play with my kids again and for creating a place where we can connect with the people in our communities. Well done!

No Longer Slaves

A few months ago I started a new bible reading plan. I needed something different because I was in a lull.  I get bored very easily and since I have previously completed the Life Journal, I found myself struggle to get into the word everyday. I got on my bible app and found, "Eat This Book; One Year Bible with Daily Psalms. Seriously, who doesn't want to eat this book and read a Psalm everyday!?! To set this up, you must know that this plan takes you through the Old Testament then the New.

As the story began to transition from the beginning of life to the beginning of God's chosen people, I was overcome with wave after wave of revelation. It smacked me right in the heart really. The thought, No Longer Slaves, came to me over and over again once I got to the part of the story where Moses led the people out of Egypt and they began their wandering. What struck me in the very first scene was that the people were literally no longer slaves, but they carried with them a slave mentality.

After the amazing miracles they had witnessed God perform, not to mention the actual visible and tangible presence of the Lord that traveled with them, the minute they were left to their own devices they all lost their dang minds. I was reminded of my years in law enforcement when an offender was released to their freedom, his/her first response was to party, use drugs/alcohol to access, and get themselves in all manner of troubles. Within a couple days they would be back behind bars. The Hebrews did just that; however, going back to Egypt wasn't an option. Even when they begged to be returned, or complained to the Lord about how 'good" life was in Egypt, He wouldn't allow them to go back to that prison. God's grace is unfathomable, because I was yelling at the pages of my bible, 'Let them go back to Egypt! Ungrateful little brats!" Haha! Praise the Lord that He holds onto our future and continually leads us to our purpose despite our grumbling. Thank you Jesus that He doesn't give up on us and that he doesn't give us what we deserve. I can't help but to tie this with some of Jesus' last words which I will tweak a bit, "Forgive them Father they do not know what they [ask]." Amen! Amen! When I have no hope, I am carried on the mighty, capable wings of Jesus' hope for me.

Back to the lecture at hand: Once Moses and the Lord returned to camp, the law was laid down. I'm talking every manner of law/rules you can imagine; very reminiscent of the millions of rules we have to keep our toddlers fed, clothed, and safe. Don't touch this or that. Wash your hands. Take a shower. Eat this but not that. Don't go here. Don't talk to these or those people. These millions of people had lived for generation as salves and that slave mentality was handed down from generation to generation to generation. They didn't know how to live without rules, and God being the merciful gentle God He is, He provided the rules they needed to unwind, undo, and rewrite the way they thought, acted, and lived. Isn't that beautiful. I used to think that the Lord was mean [a mean daddy] who was full of these rules and standards for living that felt overwhelmingly difficult. However, it is quite the opposite! The Hebrews were so used to being slaves that they needed the instruction of the Lord, in all things. They didn't know how to live that life and dwell in the freedom God had provided. They needed step by step instructions for how to live.


My other revelation came  when I got to Leviticus, which most people find pretty drab. This book of the Bible not only lays down all the don'ts and dos, but it gives clear instruction for how to build the 'church'. In the past I dredged through this chapter, skip reading all the way through it. It really didn't interest me, and I thought it was a bit cruel to require such labor of a people who just left a life of slave labor; however, this time, I was stopped in my tracks. Again, the Lord showed me His gentle kindness, His provision, His grace for meeting us where we are, not where he wants us to be. This building was not only the brilliant plan of putting idol hands to work, but also a lesson in generous giving. God asked all people to freely give the items needed for construction, very expensive and treasured items. I imagine these items have been horded from generation to generation, hidden away from their masters' eyes. Treasured. Revered. These items gave them an identity, a sense of freedom from their oppressors, and probably the only hopeful legacy they could leave to their children. God asked them to give, and they did, so much so that Moses had to tell the people to stop giving, that they had more than enough. Isn't that so good! Not only did they freely give, I like to think, they did so with an excited expectation; however, their God did not take advantage of them. When enough was reached, He said enough. Just so beautiful.  In that moment, despite all that the Lord had done for them, all the miraculous things they had experienced, for the first time in their lives, they experienced trust. I can hardly handle the goodness of that.  And God didn't stop there! He commanded that each person of his/her craft make/build this or that. In that simple command, God knew this would water the trust seeds in their heart to full bloom. He knew them. He saw them. He valued the things they were skilled at and He provided an outlet for them to create and build. And this was for them! Not for a cruel master or an unrelenting pharaoh, but it was for them. For them to meet with God, for them to gather as a community, for them to celebrate together, to mourn together --just for them. I love this!

These wanderings brought me back to the beginning of my walk with the Lord. I was such a slave. I was in an immeasurable amount of bondage. I couldn't figure out how to live free or how to operate my life in an atmosphere of freedom. I kept making poor chooses even though I didn't want to. I kept going back to my vomit, even though I detested it. And then I received instruction from the Lord! John and I withdrew from everyone we knew, places we used to go, and things we used to do. With the closing off, He had us dig deep trenches within the church. We were there as often as we could. We volunteered for anything that would bring us in to the presence of God and other believers. We only had christian friends, we only did christian things, we only went to christian functions. We surrounded ourselves with God, His people, and His church. We needed that to break free from our slave mentality. We needed that to heal. We needed that to grow and know God in a real and intimate way. We needed that christian bubble to learn how to walk in the freedom God provided.

When we moved to Bend, I heard the Lord clearly say the word "Mature". I have pondered this 100 different ways, but I've finally figured out what is means. We are called out of the christian bubble. We are called mature because of the fact that John and I are truly, for the first time in our lives, walking in real freedom. Nothing to us matters more than our being obedient to the Lord. No one or nothing is more important than following every detail, no matter how crazy it sounds, to the 'T'. Our wandering has taken 18 years! 18 years of training and practice. 18 years of getting things so very wrong and God showing us how to get it right. We are by no means perfect or above the reaches of sin, but I can say with confidence that when we sin it's not on purpose or premeditated. The Lord has taught us the value of saying sorry in love and asking for forgiveness with a humble heart. I think maturity is acknowledging  the propensity to sin and doing something about it when we do.

To sum it up, Leviticus is a journey from slavery to freedom. A walk from oppression to a life of hope.

Bethel - No Longer Slaves

Everything Should Be FREE

I keep hearing all over the place and find myself listening to conversations [and at times participating] that our children's generation is a generation filled with entitled brats that expect that "Everything Should Be Free!" Free College. Free Medical. Free Cars. Free Insurance. Free! Free! Free!Their first car is brand-new-top-of-the-line-fully-loaded, and when they wreck the car, they just go get a new one with no repercussion of having to walk, pay for the car, nor pay for the increased insurance rates. A generation where 'flipping burgers' is below them and they have grandiose ideas of their first job.  A generation where the parents flip out on the schools, coaches, or other parents when their child is being held accountable for his/her behavior and poor decisions. Where a loud mouth and the mighty dollar remove any type of repercussions. A generation that feels blessed when given the wrong change back (in their favor) or items were missed by the cashier. I can go on and on...

I couldn't help, after one such convo, to wonder why our children ended up here. The only conclusion I could come to, is that this behavior is learned from us. As uncomfortable as it was, I looked inward. What actions and beliefs have I unknowingly instilled in my children? I can only speak for myself, but I don't think I'm that far off.

I think for the most part, children of my generation had a hard bringing up. Maybe it's just the people I come in contact with or a complete over generalization, but I have found throughout my life that many people my age had it tough. I'm not really going to get into all the 'difficulties' because we are pretty darn familiar with them. I just want to lay a foundation for the thinking of my generation. I believe we have a "You owe me" mentality. You [whoever that may be, parents, society, government] owe me [fill in the blank] because of what I had to endure. I deserve [fill in the blank] because I suffered this or that.  A restaurant makes a mistake on my order, you owe me a free meal. I wait too long in a line, I deserve a discount for my time.  I have been a long time customer, you owe me a discounted rate. Mom, Dad, society, government should buy this or that, pay for this or that, watch my kids for free, ask how high when I say jump, because of what you put my through, what I suffered, because you failed to protect me. I can go on and on...

Is it still a mystery why we have children that except everything to be handed to them, that everything should be free? Is it still a mystery why we have children that have unreasonable expectations?

Time for some hope!

I was reading in Genesis the account of Abraham's life, and was blown away. One thing is clear, God was with Abraham! Not just the presence and audible voice of God, but the Lord sent Angels time and time again to speak with Abraham, to break bread with him, and to deliver messages to him. This resulted in Abraham being greatly blessed. Everywhere he went, not only did he prosper abundantly, but so did the people of the region in which he resided. The region's crops flourished, their flocks multiplied exponentially, and their wealth abounded -as did Abraham's. Here's the catch, the rulers knew it was because of Abraham's God that they were wildly blessed. It was because of Abraham's God that they had repeated favor in all things. They recognized the power of God! You all get the picture?

Now when instance came up where Abraham needed goods or services, and even as big as needing land, the ruler's of the region would tell him to take it; it was his -free of charge. Again, they recognized that they wouldn't have it to give if it weren't for the blessing cover of Abraham's God. Not only did they want to pay him back for their reaping but they wanted him to stay!  Give Abraham everything he wants so he won't move on to his next destination -his next call. But Abraham!! he would not hear of it! He told them that he would pay top dollar, in the witness of all the rulers and community. He refused to take from them -even those things that were freely given. He believed in paying and paying the fair price. Not discounted because of who he was, and Whose he was. This is true character! He not only respected and valued the people he lived near, but he understood the value of their land, goods, services. He wasn't corrupt nor was he corruptible. Not only that, he only wanted to answer to one person, GOD! He didn't want to be bound to a favor nor a gift. He didn't want to feel obligated to stay in any one places because of the gifts he had received. His purpose was to follow God in all things.

I challenge you today to pay fair price for all goods and services. To tip well, even when you didn't like the service, because compassion is the greater gift. I challenge to you pay more at the door step of your Frugal finds! You're still getting an amazing deal! I love a great deal just like the next person, and I'm also frustrated with growing prices of goods and services, but I can choose today to be generous, kind, and compassionate to those who help make my life better (ie. the fast food place, the restaurant, my hair dresser, the girl down the street selling a purse I want for $1, etc...). I challenge you today to give more encouraging comments, leave more positive feedback, make more statements of gratitude than those of complaint. Some days your are gonna have to dig deep, but it is possible to say something kind, and more importantly, it is worth it.  These things, my friends, are the things that will help us finally grow out of the mentality that, "The World Revolves Around Me". I want to leave a completely different legacy! Don't you?

Overcoming Apathy

Apathy 

lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern

At the beginning of each year, my family and I begin it by asking the Lord for a word. A word for direction. A word that we have to develop in our own lives and/or extend to others. This word is the concrete we'd set our feet on [a moral compass] throughout the year as we pray, as we study the word, and as we extend grace to the people around us. As you can see above, I literally loathe my word. What a word! Apathy! Knowing how my personality works and knowing I needed a positive word to ground myself in, and maybe in just a little bit of avoidance and denial, I went back to the Lord asking for the antonym of this nasty little word, and He obliged. 

I found my antonym in Havilah Cunnington's book, "The Good Stuff". The word leapt off the page and shot itself straight into my heart. Day four is entitled "Hunger Cries" (isn't that so fitting!!!) and my new word came to me in the Greek, which can hardly pronounce.


Here is the excerpt: akaloutheo, which means "to follow after someone or something in a very determined and powerful manner." (pg. 23)


I definitely lacked everything this statement held, and I mourned my former vim and vigor. I had completely lost it, but not permanently (Praise Jesus). I had spent the last five years moving more than I'd like to recount, all the while undergoing three surgeries, a remission treatment for my colitis, and suffering a major concussion from being rear ended. I fought the good fight with ferocity for quite some time. After my treatment and first surgery, I pulled myself together and started running and biking again. After my second surgery (not even a year later), I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and trained and competed in a sprint triathlon. My third surgery (less than 2 years later) left me having to relearn how to walk, and balance, and climb, which progression was completely halted when we were rear ended. To be honest I was already falling down the slippery slope of apathy after my second surgery, but this pried my fingers off and sent me hurtling into the apathy abyss. Everything was too hard. It felt impossible. I had developed an inner dialog that sounded like this: "It's too hard. I'm in too much pain. What does it matter any way?" Everything in my life began to filter through this thinking process, and I lost myself more and more everyday --and I didn't care.


To make matters worse, we started having trouble with one of our sons. There really is nothing more earth shattering, heartbreaking, and downright devastating than watching your child fall down. I fell completely apart at the seams -I was thoroughly undone. Apathy was my constant companion. I confess that I don't know if I'm fully recovered despite our son being fully restored. My heart is sore and my soul is bruised. This rocked my faith. I feel afraid to declare God's promises for my children with the same fiery, rock solid belief and trust I once did.To stand in the face of adversity and declare, "Satan get behind me, not my children!" I felt like a hypocrite, a laughing stock, and a few people [the few who makes it feel like millions] took quite a bit of pleasure in watching our lives fall to pieces. "Where is their God now?" they would sneer. And in my heart of hearts, I knew He was with me, He was working all things out for our good, He was on the battlefield for our lives, and I knew He was still good and still God; however, I couldn't help to echo their insult, "Where are you God?"


A couple of weeks ago, a friend contacted me and asked me if I'd like to attend an IF: Gathering. I reminded her that I no longer lived in Denver and would not be able to attend her women's thingy-ma-bob. Long story short, I thought IF was a neighborhood ministry she had started and had no idea it extended all over the word! I had prayed for her IF for at least a solid year, but was never able to attend because our church planting obligations left me with little time to do so. I signed up after several hours (...cough...days....) of hovering my cursor over the 'complete transaction" button. This was a ginormous step of faith and bravery and courage and might and so on... I know none of the people attending. I've never been to either church that was hosting the IF, nor was I apart of either denomination. I silently prayed it wouldn't be a round table like setting, and sure enough it was! Lol! I couldn't hide. I couldn't come in unnoticed and I couldn't leave the same way. Isn't that so indicative of the Father's Love!

The first night I was a jerk, on the inside, but nevertheless a jerk. I hated everything and thought it was a complete waste of time, and tried to hide it behind a tight smile. You must know, the women I was seated with were nothing short of wonderful, kind, and accepting of this totally stranger. It wasn't them, it was me. The teaching was soul deep and I had almost filled up my entire journal. It wasn't the teachers, it was me. The worship brought me to my knees and the very presence of God was so thick. It wasn't the worship, it was me. I couldn't shake whatever had a hold of me. On my way home, hopelessness wrapped its arms around me and I felt broken. Why Lord? I stepped out!? I did what you said!? Why? His gentle reply, "You meant what you said in your last text. It wasn't a joke to you."


The last text I sent was to my bestie who wished me an amazing night, and was praying for the beginning of new, beautiful relationships. I replied, "I will make friends with no one to honor your name!" Wow! Okay! I have a problem people! Lol! I really did mean it and was literally living it out all night long. Not because I don't want new relationships (I very much do), but because I am afraid. I have these women in my life that are truly gifts from God that I love all the way to Pluto and back again! It reminded me of when I was prego with my 2nd child and I bawled my eyes out completely terrified that I couldn't possibly have anymore love left to give. I love our first child SO much, I couldn't fathom how it was possible to have room for anyone else. Could I properly love new friends? Would loving new friends dishonor my homegirls? My heart was conflicted. God revealed to me that my loyalty gifting can harm me and my relationships when left unchecked. I already know this in terms of servant hood; I'll work myself to the bones for those we love. John and I have both worked on this for almost 5 whole years. However, I never considered I wasn't allowing space for new relationships because my loyalties felt both full and secure. 

I repented and asked God to change my heart and to give me a do-over. And boy did He; day 2 knocked my socks off. Similar to the Grinch, I felt my heart grow 6 times bigger (the number of girls at my table) that day. I got to hear God boast about them, and I delighted in knowing them. These girls I pray for often and think about how beautiful each of their stories are. I can hardly contain the joy of seeing and hearing about how God will use them. And let me just say, the teaching was ON POINT!! I highly encourage you dear reader to find an IF Gathering near you, to be courageous, and to attend one.


I've learned, once again, that love has no end. You cannot measure it. You cannot run out of it. It is limitless and boundless, and uncontainable. Love has no end. And when I feel like I'm at then end of my capacity of love, God will increase my borders. Just like the love for my children, my love can be limitless for each person the Lord graces my life with.


I've also started telling myself, "Do hard things!" This is not typically something people say to themselves ever, especially in this day of make-everything-as-easy-as-possible and everybody-gets-a-trophy. When I hear my broken record answer, "It's too hard," I remind myself that I do hard things! When I receive my speed dialed response, "I don't want to." I add to the end, "....but I do hard things now!" I will climb the mountain! I will meet new people [with JOY]! I will be myself! I will laugh loud and hard! I will join a bible study, start a new job, go to IF, etc.... It is impossible to build new relationships without being around other humans. And I've had to learn to go back to the basics of what my dad taught me, " People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." This is the hard thing.

My apathetic heart still beats, but I can testify that it is starting to die and courage and hope are rising up. I called out to God to bring life back to the dead places, to breathe upon these dry bones, to move His spirit within me, to bring me back to wonder, to WAKE ME UP, and He is.

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21 Day Juice Fast

My Centerpoint Church family in Colorado invited everyone in their congregation to participate in a 21-Day fast in order to seek the Lord and to simply hit the reset button of our lives. The pastors were doing a juice fast and some of the leadership were doing the Daniel fast, but it was up to us what we wanted to fast. Typically, I will fast Facebook and not food. I justify this choice by knowing getting rid of facebook will make me more present in my home and life, and less distracted all together. Seems noble right? Really it's not. I only choose the simplest thing to eliminate from my life; however I cheat on this one too. I found a loophole -I could push Facebook updates and pictures through my other social apps! Oh! Jesus break me of my loophole finding habits!

I do not lack the will to quit foods, I've had big wins in this area. One new year, I choose to give up sugar for the whole year, and I did. Another new year, I gave up alcohol for the entire year, and successfully completed that as well. So you see, I've got mad skills when it comes to willpower. I just really-really love food, and have a mini panic attack anytime I think about quitting it. Not to mention, I live with four guys who eat all the time, all day long, anything they want. Try living with that my friends.

When ringing in the New Year, I found myself desperate enough to try anything!  I developed an all over, unscratchable itch that covered my entire body. No rash, no bumps, no dry skin. My 24-hour allergy pill didn't work, nor did the high doses of Benedryl I was taking. The itching was a new symptom of my allergies and was seriously miserable on a thousand different levels. What's worse than puking? An itch that cannot be scratched. The good news: the doctor I found practices functional medicine which means I would not be placed on steroids and sent home. She told me my diet was the key to ending this and had me talk with the nutritionist, who told me the Whole 30 (minus quite a few foods) would work wonders.

Now, I wasn't mentally ready to do the Whole30. Holy Lord! There are so many rules and it had just as many what-not-to-dos. I felt like I had lost the battle before I even started day one.  Being cognizant of my personality and extending grace to my current lack of self-discipline, I decided the juice fast was a great way for me to start my journey to health. There is way less rules, and I got to make it work for my life and my circumstances.


Here's what I did:

Juice 

I bought tons of frozen and fresh fruit along with baby spinach. I made my shakes in the blender with literally any combination of fruits, spinach, splashes of aloe water, almond milk and/or 100% fruit/carrot juice. I looked up tons of recipes on Pinterest and used many of them.  I also bought a flat of Naked Juice from Costco to have when I failed to plan well. I made sure I had a shake/juice every morning before I took the kids to school. I'm not a breakfast eater but wanted to implement this healthy habit into my life. Beside the required breakfast shake, I allowed myself a shake whenever I felt hungry. It was easy; if I was hungry, I made a shake. I didn't use any protein powders because they flared up the itching, but I don't see why they wouldn't work for others.

Coffee

I already switched my coffee to decaf, so I didn't want to make this harder than I already had it. I only sweeten my coffee with honey and allowed myself non dairy creamer. I would've made my own creamer out of coconut milk, but anything canned flared up the itching so I couldn't. I made myself a pot of coffee in the morning and had a cup whenever I felt like it.

Soup

For dinner, I ate a bowl of soup. Any kind of soup I wanted. I took to pinterest again and loaded up with hundreds of recipes I could choose from. I ate chicken tortilla soup, tomato soup, butternut squash soup, beef stew, chicken stew, coq au vin, pot sticker soup, egg drop soup, green chili, roasted red pepper soup, sausage potato soup etc, etc... I used the crockpot the most, and would add fresh baked bread, rice/noodles, and/or salad for the guys.

Sushi Sunday

I added this in because I found myself getting super grouchy and feeling fatigued by the end of the week. There isn't anything in the sushi that I couldn't put in a bowl of soup. So on Sundays, instead of soup, I ate sushi. It was the little bit of umph I needed to head steadfastly into the coming week.


By the end of week one, the itching stopped completely. Thank you Jesus! What a relief! And even though I was hungry, I felt healthy. My Jesus time revealed some areas of pride that I needed to work on, and I got answers to so many questions I was asking the Lord. And the icing on the cake, I lost almost 15lbs.. I honestly didn't even think I'd lose a single pound nor did I anticipate it or expect it.  I haven't been able to budge the scale since my hysterectomy, and I sincerely thought is was impossible to ever lose weight again. As I read over my journal filled with answered questions, looked over my 'Answered Prayers' journal, and stared disbelievingly at the numbers on the scale, the Lord reminded me that He is a God of impossible! He is the God of miracles. He is the God of answers. He is the God of healing. And He is the God who can realign every crooked path; if we are willing.

Unknown

Have you ever felt unknown? Like you're stranded on an island with thousands of people, but you're locked in glass boxes and the people are milling about you roaming free. You can see them but you cannot communicate with them? This is exactly where I find myself today. We've moved almost 1,200 miles away from everything that is familiar; our schedules, our schools, our work, our friends, our church, and my brother and his family. Although we've moved back to our home state, we are approximately three hours away from family ---five or six in the snow. We live in this wonderful city where we literally know two people! To top it off, we've moved during the winter, when most people hunker down till spring. It's made it really tough to meet people and make new connections.

In the past, when we've moved, we were able to maintain the stability of our church family, and we have always stayed in the same school district. Except when we moved from Oregon to Colorado; however, we had both family and a church family. We don't have that here in beautiful Bend. We have no church family nor does anyone in our schools know us [my children]. We are completely out-of-sorts. Our hearts are mourning being known and we've had hundreds of jabbing incidents that causes our souls to cry out, "no one knows me!"

Little jabs:

Joey was put in with the novice wrestlers because they didn't know he was a two-time state placer. After completely annihilating the newbies, he was moved. In reality, this isn't a game changer; however, I see my Joey trying to prove himself because they don't know who he is. It builds character, I know.

I was having a conversation with one of the boys' teacher about an assignment they forgot to give him (while he was out sick) which caused a late turn in. When she replied, "It's not a big deal that he didn't get it in on time." Well, you don't know my child if you feel like it isn't a big deal. Not life altering, I know, but unpleasant when set in the context of this child being in the same school since preschool. It's upsetting that no one knows or values his work ethic. Yet!

When I've introduced myself to people, I've had several parents say, " Oh! You're the mom from Colorado who has the triplets who wrestle!" No, no I'm not! I am the mom from Colorado who has three different aged boys who wrestle. Not a big deal, but just a reminder that we as a family are no longer known in our community, in the wrestling world, or the schools.

Big jabs:

We've went to church several times and not one person talked to us. I realize that it takes time to build relationships, but we have spent almost 20 years serving in the church, and it's a bit disconcerting when no one knows or recognizes you. And when we've reached out to ministry leaders, we've been given 'beginner' jobs. I can get over my pride, I've cleaned toilets proverbially and literally throughout my entire church life; however, I was always recognized as a leader and/or a staff member. And honestly, if we still lived in Colorado and people knew we were looking for a new church, our phones would be ringing off the hook. The Lord has brought us a long way and has trained us up for years; it's hard to swallow falling all the way down the ladder and starting again on rung number one. Don't we all long to be where everybody knows our name, and they are always glad we came?

We don't have a squad, a crew, a team, a posse, homies. Being 100% extrovert, this feels like a cold day in hell. I love people, adore them really. I love how different we are and also cherish the moments when I can say, "me too". I've had several instances where people walked away saying, "Thanks for being so transparent." What does that mean? Does that mean you weren't being transparent? I don't know how to be pleasant for pleasant's sake. I only know real and honest. I sometimes feel like the three step studies I've participated in have ruined me for niceties. It taught me to be me all of the time. Real. Honest. I don't know how to be anything else anymore. 

I really don't feel viable if I'm not communing with people, and I'm talking about a lot of people. My dominant personality strengths would warrant nothing less and are as followed: Communication: I treasure talking and I am a devoted, active listener. Learning about people makes my life so much richer. Restoration: Who has bigger problems than humans? I love to be apart of and support people as they rebuild their lives; watching dry bones and dead places come to life. WOO (Winning Others Over): I cherish meeting new people. My passion is meeting every person in the room, and not simply staying with my friend group the whole night. I literally cannot concentrate on a conversation when I see someone new walk by. I need people!

The Knockout Blow:

The jobs I've applied for have left me feeling sad, rejected, and confused. I've had several tell me that they felt like they just spent the afternoon with their best friend. Great! So, I got the job? Nope. I didn't. I've had a handful tell me that I was way too over qualified for the position. Great! So you want to hire me to utilize my skill set and experience. Nope, they passed. The most painful, I was told that I was not qualified for a job at an organization where I had utilized my qualified skill set for 18 years. I felt like calling the guy who passed on me because I was overqualified, and ask him to have a conversation with the people who thought I was not qualified. It took everything in me to not to write a formal letter outlining my skill set, experience, and start name dropping. I choose the high road and said, "Thank you for your time." 

As I write and read this, I'm struck with the revelation that this is a pride issue. I can call it one hundred different things, and write it off as this or that; however, the truth remains, my pride is taking a blow and is acting like an immature toddler. I have become a nobody standing in a sea of somebodies. My self-worth has hit rock bottom which exacerbated the unquenchable itch of insecurity. The Lord whispered to my heart, "Sweet girl, when will you trust the work that I did on the cross was enough to redeem you?" There it is my friends. If I'm not 'working' for the Lord, I cannot redeem, change, pay-off all the things I have done.  And truthfully, if I cannot share my testimony, how will I help others? 

Unknown

not known; not within the range of one's knowledge, 

experience, or understanding; strange; unfamiliar.

As I mourned this last rejection, the Lord said to me, "You are not unknown to me; I know you." And He continued to speak this over me every time I thought about my situation and grieved my former life. Why wasn't that enough? The creator of the heavens and the earth, the author of life, and the savior of the world knows me. He knew me before I was placed into my mother's womb, and He watched me grow, knowing who I would become. I was not an accident; He brought me forth with purpose for such a time as this. Why didn't this comfort me? I knew right there that I needed to submit my heart for a sifting. As I sat in my prayer room confessing my error and asking the Lord to change my heart, I felt something shift. My perspective changed. He is my greatest friend and ally, and instead of whining, moaning, and complaining, I would use this time to deepen and make richer my knowing of the Lord. I set out to know Him like He knows me. Isn't that what makes close, long lasting friendships? When He speaks over me, "I know you." I now reply, "And that is enough." I can say this with confidence because I know the harvest is coming. I've 'sowed' for many long years and the yield (the full amount) will not be denied to me simply because I've moved to a new farm. It is not happenstance or accident that we've moved to a new land; it is full of God purpose, heavenly promises, and miracles. I think of Mary and what is written about her response to the responsibility of birthing a savior, "she treasured all these things in her heart and thought about them often." Luke 2:19

So I went back to the beginning, to remember our story.  In the Fall of 2014, John suggested that we move back to Oregon. With a few colorful words, that I will leave out, I said, "NO!" Despite my distaste, he continued to investigate a transfer, until we moved, yet again, and settled into a beautiful home were we had the option to buy. I was over the moon, and John relented to maintain harmony in our home. This home and it's owners quickly became an absolute hair-pulling, stressful nightmare. To honor them, I will not divulge. John and I were looking down the barrel of another move. My spiritual mentor called me one day with a prophetic word that consisted of an out-of-state move, towards the west, and the town she described was a dead ringer for Bend. I was pumped, and thought, 'praise God for direction and answers.' A few weeks later, I had a dream that I was one of the three wise men following the star that was hanging in the west. And to my amazement, the Bethlehem Star appears in the western sky (the direction I had to look) for the 1st time in 2,000 years! Did I really need more convincing? Of course I did, my rebellion runs deep my friends. My truth is that I didn't want to move out-of-state. I wanted to buy my forever (whatever forever means for a nomad) home. So I ignored all of this and we started looking for a new home. We had to back out of a contract near our home, because of the inspection. So we regrouped and thought the Lord wanted us to move closer to our church family. We lost two rentals and had to back out of another contract because of the inspection. It was a Saturday morning and we were meeting our agent to restart our search. We just started praying! We were sick of losing money and we were running out of time. We both asked the Lord to give us the name of the city he wanted us to move to, and boy did He. On the count of three and at the same time, we both said Bend. I was perplexed. I was hoping for Broomfield or Lafayette; I was not expecting Bend. So I said, "Talk to your boss and I'll look at some homes; however, we will still try to find a house here and see where it takes us." Forever the finder of loopholes, I am. So I pray, before we get the house were supposed to look at, "Give us a burning bush Lord!" I kid you not, we get to the house and the realtor sign in the front yard has 666 as the first 3-digits after the area code! What! Seriously, who has that for a phone number! I was like, "this is the devil's house, let's go!" Lol! Needless to say, because you all know we moved, in less than one week John's job transferred him and we had a home in Bend. In less than 2 weeks, we loaded up the moving truck and headed west, following God's direction, and praying for an abundance of miracles.  Right before we moved, I felt led to read my journal entry of when I talked with my spiritual mentor, and opened to this line, "It will take you about a year to be okay with moving." It did, almost one full year later, we moved. If this isn't proof of God knowing me, I don't know what is. 

It was a whirlwind of God-big circumstances that led us west. Where I refrained from attaching promises and confirmation too. I didn't want to give the devil a single foothold in this new adventure and I wanted to unconditionally show my trust in the Lord. I trust Him with all my heart, my soul, and my mind. The only word I clung to from Him was, "this move is detrimental for your boys." Enough said! I didn't ask Him to explain, nor beg for a Word, nor plead with Him to bring a drove of friends on the wings of confirmation. I believe him. I wholeheartedly trust him. I'll move a thousand times over for the detriment of my children. I will smile in the face of being unknown, knowing the One who knows me is working all things for the good of my children. I will laugh in the face of rejection, knowing that the One who accepts me, is moving mountains of the behalf of my boys' welfare. And I will joyfully start back at the very beginning, knowing that the One who calls me friend, is making a faith-filled, promise-filled,  God-Huge future for my boys. That is enough! He is enough! And I will patiently wait till the Lord fills my Bend storehouses with people to love, mentor, and cherish. A people I can be 100% me with, and walk through this life with; come valleys or mountain tops.  Until then, I will 'treasure up all these things in my heart and think about them often.'

May they never lose their wonder